Tag: travel

Tweet twoo

TSo this post is going to be slightly different. It may not be as long as usual. It may not work. But, I had the idea that since I don’t use Twitter, but have experienced a series of comment worthy unusual events, during which tweeting may have been the perfect way to express them, I should put them on here instead. So here follows is the full title of this post: Things I would have tweeted since arriving in China if I actually used Twitter. (I’m using the phrase “used Twitter” on purpose – I have a Twitter account, but I don’t use it).

While I have not mastered the way to insert the tweet box thingies that you see when reading articles that involve tweets (if anyone wants to show/tell me how to do this let me know!), they will still be fewer than 280 characters, as is the real case.

 So here you have it: a round up of various interesting things that have happened since arriving in China:

I have been in China for two weeks now, and I appear to have lost all ability to use chopsticks.

“The most enjoy is a person to travel” is the motto on Grace’s shirt today. A philosophy to live by, me thinks.

After the dancing we did with my class this morning, I feel like I’m in an *insert Chinese martial art here* movie training montage.

A man just cycled past with speakers duct-taped to his handlebars, blaring Chinese opera, because why the heck not?

There is a 50ish year old man casually walking backwards on the treadmill. This is not the first time I have seen this. Life goals.

I am become a stereotypical kindergarten teacher. I have googly eyes and pipe cleaners in my art supply patterned tunic pockets along with safety scissors and double-sided tape. I’m wondering how much I can steal.

The class is supposed to be making pipe cleaner ducks. I’ve made a flamingo and called him Jeffrey.


I would have emergency beef jerky in my pocket too but I already ate it. There was an emergency – I was hungry.

According to the general consensus (aka the blissed expressions on the children’s face when I wave my makeshift fan (board game board) in their faces), it is too humid to function. The teachers disagree so on with the sticky show.

I’ve been handed more snotty tissues this week than I have in my entire life before.

It’s so humid, my hair has gone curly. Anyone who knows me knows that my hair detests curly. It stages a protest every time I try. That’s how humid it is.

One of my chores today is pick up caterpillar poo. I’m pretty sure that’s not in my job description.

I’ve transcended my earthly form and entered an entirely new state of being. I’m calling it: the sweat monster.

You know it’s hot and you’re climbing a mountain when sweat is dripping off your chin, and you get to the top and there’s salt deposits on your face.

Electric bikes are death traps on wheels. Electric is good. They run fine. They are silent. I guarantee that at some point I’m going to get hit by one. Probably at night. They don’t always have lights/don’t always use their lights.

George inappropriate action of the day: another kiss on the lips and Rachel headbutted my bum again.

If you’re broody, don’t come to Shenzhen. Children are everywhere. Since the one child policy ended a couple of years ago, folks have gone crazy and started popping out sproglets like it’s nobody’s business.

When it rains in Dongguan, the streets turn into rivers/lakes/ponds and it sheets down like a monsoon. Maybe I could start a new trend – the drowned rat look.

The movie wet in ten seconds vertical rain trope? Turns out to be a real thing. English rain is more commonly horizontal so I am shook.

Clearly my anti-rain song from yesterday didn’t work, so let’s try again today.

George inappropriate action of the day: coughed directly into my face and pulled my top down to look at my boobs. If I die from the plague it’s his fault.

Wheezing is the new breathing.

George inappropriate action of the day: hug attack from behind which meant his face was pressed directly against my bum.

Mosquitos can die in the fiery pits of hell. Brb just going to chop my legs off. That should stop the itching, right?

Apparently having a flabby tummy is hilarious to kids, especially when they slap it. Sometimes however, they tell me I’m pregnant instead. I just need to work out how to explain to my mother that I’m carrying the second coming of Christ.

Reading a story about a family of bears, who are all furry. I read a line and the kids parrot it. Except, they add the occasional ‘a’, so mama bear, instead of being “furry”, is “a furry” which changes the meaning only slightly.

The kids have given me a sticker that is no longer sticky. Not a problem, I’ll use my sweat to adhere it to my skin.

Sometimes, life is like a movie. Sometimes, it’s like a cartoon where Wily Coyote runs of a cliff and keeps running, or I step in a hole and try to keep walking. Moral of the story, even if you’re doing it to order a taxi: don’t walk and phone, folks.

The biggest disappointment of my life so far: I found a bottle of cider. I bought it because cider is rare here. It’s non-alcoholic. I’m just going to go and cry over it.

It turns out it is a bad idea to keep walking 10k steps a day when you have a blister. Instead of the blister healing, it gets worse. Who knew?

While the kids are learning to write in Chinese, I’m learning Chinese.

Sometimes, I get disheartened by the fact that I understand basically 0 Chinese. Then I remember that I’ve only been here 2 months and 2 months ago I understood actually 0 Chinese and I feel a little better.

There was a food festival today. I may have got a little overexcited by the fact that there was beef jerky and it tasted like home, and bought enough to feed a small army. There was also a small army of panda bears.

The food at this festival was very Chinese, and by that, I mean entire animals, oysters (traditional dish of Shenzhen, in their museum there is an entire wall of oyster shells), and unidentifiable things, that I’m reluctant to call meat, as it might not be…

I am now the proud mummy of a cluster of cacti, called the Arnolds. I have taken this big step in adopting them, since I cannot adopt the children…

When the wind whistles through this building during a storm, it’s easy to believe I’m in a horror movie.

Thunderstorms have been really common in the last few days – to the point that I’m no longer sure if the noise I just heard was thunder again, or someone banging something really loudly. Both are equally likely.

I’m incredibly proud of this rubbish photo. I got an actual lightning strike on film!

And that’s all folks, for now. These are not entirely in order, although some follow directly after others. I hope you enjoyed them.

China – Through the Haze

Now, this is not a political thing, talking about cutting through the haze of Chinese politics or some other hard-hitting article you’d find in some fancy journal or newspaper. I just mean that it’s really hazy here. Whether that’s because of the pollution or the fact that we’re close-ish to the sea, but the hills in the distance may, in fact, not exist. All I know is that they’re only occasionally there, more often than not half-hidden by haze.

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There may or may not be hills behind the crane. Their existence is yet to be confirmed.

Nope, this is just my blog. All about the adventure that is moving to China at the completely unexpected age of twenty-six. Unexpected, since it’s long past my gap year, and I haven’t just graduated, or recently graduated like all my co-adventurers seem to have done. I am the oldest by at least three years. I have real world job experience ‘n’ stuff. Not that it matters all that much. Very few of us speak all that much Chinese. When I say that, I mean I speak literally no Chinese. I can say thank you and hello. And that’s it. It’s kind of ridiculous how incapable you are when you don’t speak the language. Luckily, other people can and they’ve been a great help, but that’s a story for another day. Today is all about pre-China, Before China.

How do you shut down your life in just over two months? The answer is not easily and with many tears. I cried more in those two months than in the entire two years beforehand. It wasn’t so much saying goodbye to my friends and family, although that was hard; it was having them be so proud of me and it was the talking about how big and scary the move would be. It was the prospect of not seeing folks again for six months or a year or ever, when I’d been hanging out with them multiple times a week. They may be on the end of the phone, or a Facebook message away or whatever, but it wouldn’t be the same.

It was also the stress of it all. Putting notice on my job, moving out of my house, cancelling my bills, my subscriptions, and doing my teacher training. I spent an entire day calling various companies to cancel everything, waiting to talk to people so I could do so. It’s not so easy online cancelling stuff, because the companies always want to know why you want to stop their services. Pro-tip: telling people that you’re moving to China is a good way of stopping them from asking you to renew their services with a better deal.

The teacher training was also an added stress. It was 120 hours and I was asked to get it done by the time I left the UK. No biggie. It was only ten twelve-hour days. Except that learning is hard. And ridiculously tiring. I couldn’t work all day like that. I worked for a few hours. Then I would lose all semblance of concentration and just do nothing for a while. I practised a lot of procrastination. I procrastinated by stressing over how much I had to do. I had to do it around visiting my family and having them visit me. I had to do it around packing up my house. I had to do it around doctor’s appointments, vaccinations, time to purchase things I needed, like contact lenses.

Then was the flight itself. I hadn’t thought about it much, just that it was long, and that I had booked the particular one requested. I finished everything two days before I had to fly. I repacked my suitcase the day before, its weight limit being way over both the first and the second time, and not because of the clothes I was taking. We couldn’t find anything more to reduce the weight, so we resolved to pay the surcharges if necessary (it wasn’t, despite being three kilogrammes over the limit). It was then that I started thinking about the changeover in Helsinki. An airport I had never been to. While I have flown many a time solo, this was my first time solo with a layover.

Taking off from Finland

It was surprisingly easy. I didn’t even need to do anything but have my boarding cards. My suitcase was transferred without me. The mild panic that it wouldn’t be didn’t leave until I picked it up from the baggage carousel after the interminable wait to get through customs in Hong Kong. After that it was plain sailing, if an incredibly long day at the same time. By the end of it, it turned out I’d slept less than 3 hours in approximately 34. It was a lot of standing around and waiting. Waiting for our visas to be issued. Waiting for our bank accounts to be opened. Waiting for our sim cards to be set up and issued. As there was seven of us, everything took longer than usual. The only thing that seemed to go quickly was the incredibly detailed medical checks. I had my first ultrasound (my non-existent baby is fine – thanks for asking), I peed ultra-dehydrated pee into a cup, I had a thing pointed at me (apparently it checked my temperature) from three feet away, I had suction cups attached to my under-boobs (supposedly for an ECG), I had an eye test (while wearing my glasses as I couldn’t see any of the board without them),I had an x-ray of my lungs (they weren’t broken thank goodness) I had blood drawn, I sold my soul. I never received the results, but since I’m still here, I imagine that I’m not carrying some deadly disease, and that I am in fact healthy.

Landing in Hong Kong

After that, it was dinner, failing to use chopsticks, and being introduced to our flat. I got the en-suite, after quite a long time of negotiations between us, and we basically went straight to bed, still somewhat unable to believe that I was actually moving in here, to China. It wasn’t that I was coming to China, that had sunk in, it was that I was now living in China. And even after two weeks of being here, I still can’t quite believe it. That this is my house for the next year. That this is my life now.