Tweet twoo

TSo this post is going to be slightly different. It may not be as long as usual. It may not work. But, I had the idea that since I don’t use Twitter, but have experienced a series of comment worthy unusual events, during which tweeting may have been the perfect way to express them, I should put them on here instead. So here follows is the full title of this post: Things I would have tweeted since arriving in China if I actually used Twitter. (I’m using the phrase “used Twitter” on purpose – I have a Twitter account, but I don’t use it).

While I have not mastered the way to insert the tweet box thingies that you see when reading articles that involve tweets (if anyone wants to show/tell me how to do this let me know!), they will still be fewer than 280 characters, as is the real case.

 So here you have it: a round up of various interesting things that have happened since arriving in China:

I have been in China for two weeks now, and I appear to have lost all ability to use chopsticks.

“The most enjoy is a person to travel” is the motto on Grace’s shirt today. A philosophy to live by, me thinks.

After the dancing we did with my class this morning, I feel like I’m in an *insert Chinese martial art here* movie training montage.

A man just cycled past with speakers duct-taped to his handlebars, blaring Chinese opera, because why the heck not?

There is a 50ish year old man casually walking backwards on the treadmill. This is not the first time I have seen this. Life goals.

I am become a stereotypical kindergarten teacher. I have googly eyes and pipe cleaners in my art supply patterned tunic pockets along with safety scissors and double-sided tape. I’m wondering how much I can steal.

The class is supposed to be making pipe cleaner ducks. I’ve made a flamingo and called him Jeffrey.

I would have emergency beef jerky in my pocket too but I already ate it. There was an emergency – I was hungry.

According to the general consensus (aka the blissed expressions on the children’s face when I wave my makeshift fan (board game board) in their faces), it is too humid to function. The teachers disagree so on with the sticky show.

I’ve been handed more snotty tissues this week than I have in my entire life before.

It’s so humid, my hair has gone curly. Anyone who knows me knows that my hair detests curly. It stages a protest every time I try. That’s how humid it is.

One of my chores today is pick up caterpillar poo. I’m pretty sure that’s not in my job description.

I’ve transcended my earthly form and entered an entirely new state of being. I’m calling it: the sweat monster.

You know it’s hot and you’re climbing a mountain when sweat is dripping off your chin, and you get to the top and there’s salt deposits on your face.

Electric bikes are death traps on wheels. Electric is good. They run fine. They are silent. I guarantee that at some point I’m going to get hit by one. Probably at night. They don’t always have lights/don’t always use their lights.

George inappropriate action of the day: another kiss on the lips and Rachel headbutted my bum again.

If you’re broody, don’t come to Shenzhen. Children are everywhere. Since the one child policy ended a couple of years ago, folks have gone crazy and started popping out sproglets like it’s nobody’s business.

When it rains in Dongguan, the streets turn into rivers/lakes/ponds and it sheets down like a monsoon. Maybe I could start a new trend – the drowned rat look.

The movie wet in ten seconds vertical rain trope? Turns out to be a real thing. English rain is more commonly horizontal so I am shook.

Clearly my anti-rain song from yesterday didn’t work, so let’s try again today.

George inappropriate action of the day: coughed directly into my face and pulled my top down to look at my boobs. If I die from the plague it’s his fault.

Wheezing is the new breathing.

George inappropriate action of the day: hug attack from behind which meant his face was pressed directly against my bum.

Mosquitos can die in the fiery pits of hell. Brb just going to chop my legs off. That should stop the itching, right?

Apparently having a flabby tummy is hilarious to kids, especially when they slap it. Sometimes however, they tell me I’m pregnant instead. I just need to work out how to explain to my mother that I’m carrying the second coming of Christ.

Reading a story about a family of bears, who are all furry. I read a line and the kids parrot it. Except, they add the occasional ‘a’, so mama bear, instead of being “furry”, is “a furry” which changes the meaning only slightly.

The kids have given me a sticker that is no longer sticky. Not a problem, I’ll use my sweat to adhere it to my skin.

Sometimes, life is like a movie. Sometimes, it’s like a cartoon where Wily Coyote runs of a cliff and keeps running, or I step in a hole and try to keep walking. Moral of the story, even if you’re doing it to order a taxi: don’t walk and phone, folks.

The biggest disappointment of my life so far: I found a bottle of cider. I bought it because cider is rare here. It’s non-alcoholic. I’m just going to go and cry over it.

It turns out it is a bad idea to keep walking 10k steps a day when you have a blister. Instead of the blister healing, it gets worse. Who knew?

While the kids are learning to write in Chinese, I’m learning Chinese.

Sometimes, I get disheartened by the fact that I understand basically 0 Chinese. Then I remember that I’ve only been here 2 months and 2 months ago I understood actually 0 Chinese and I feel a little better.

There was a food festival today. I may have got a little overexcited by the fact that there was beef jerky and it tasted like home, and bought enough to feed a small army. There was also a small army of panda bears.

The food at this festival was very Chinese, and by that, I mean entire animals, oysters (traditional dish of Shenzhen, in their museum there is an entire wall of oyster shells), and unidentifiable things, that I’m reluctant to call meat, as it might not be…

I am now the proud mummy of a cluster of cacti, called the Arnolds. I have taken this big step in adopting them, since I cannot adopt the children…

When the wind whistles through this building during a storm, it’s easy to believe I’m in a horror movie.

Thunderstorms have been really common in the last few days – to the point that I’m no longer sure if the noise I just heard was thunder again, or someone banging something really loudly. Both are equally likely.

And that’s all folks, for now. These are not entirely in order, although some follow directly after others. I hope you enjoyed them.